This post lives up to the blog's name...

I've had lots of thoughts lately, but no time to really think them through to fruition. It's very sad, but I thought I'd jot a few of them before it turned into a true tragedy.

Today I came across a book titled "Johnny Is Such a Bright Boy, Too Bad He's Retarded". It was in the Education section of the university library at Redlands.

I learned that if you suffer brain injury you have a better chance of recovering your language abilities if your bilingual.

I seem to have my deepest thoughts while sitting on the toilet, but they flit away while washing my hands.

Non-confrontational people require just as much special care as confrontational ones.

You can't find true happiness in people or things. Only Jesus can stand up to that kind of pressure.

Once bitterness becomes comfortable, it is lethal.

It's dangerous and unfulfilling to be "friends" with a gossip.

The more zealous and vocal someone is about a cause, the more hypocritical I find them to be. i.e. environmentalists who own private jets and use extreme amounts of energy in their homes, politicians who criticize mismanaged governments only to take office and mismanage to a further extreme, legalistic preachers who have a porn addiction.

Hypocrites really get my goat. We are all flawed, the least you can do is be honest about it.

God is good and gives me rest. En paz me acostaré y asímismo dormiré, porque solo tú Jehová me haces vivir confiado.

Some Austen fun...

I have a deep, emotional side that few people often see...

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Love vs. Truth

I've had recurring debates with myself regarding truth vs. relationships. I don't think it's cut and dried that you should hold on to truth at the sacrifice of relationships, but I don't think it's right to justify enabling in order to keep friends. I don't think that's truly a healthy relationship. I believe that people need unconditional love. Only God can give pure unconditional love. We need to be vessels of that love, but I'm afraid that instead we strive to make our love imitate God's love and then everything comes out wrong. That's where legalism, manipulation, and even enabling is born - out of our good intentions gone wrong.

How do we channel God's unconditional love? I'm still working on that and I think that's the whole point of our lives on earth. Impatience with the process of even understanding it is useless. That said, here are some things I do know:
1. God loved us when we were still despicable sinners.
2. Christ gave up his life so that I wouldn't have to stay in sin.
3. Even though humanity is flawed, Jesus was/is never cynical about our condition. He has absolute confidence in his own power to transform us.

I think calling certain actions a "sin" splits hairs sometimes. The Bible talks about acts of righteousness and acts of sin. Let's take homosexuality, for example. Today in Christian circles there's a lot of controversy surrouding it. Even my beliefs have floundered lately in this regard because of so many respected preachers softening their stand and so many churches becoming "all-embracing". So, I went back to scripture to make up my own mind. I was surprised to find that newer "versions" of scripture weaken the powerful words I've read my whole life. I admit I haven't done a word study or comparative study. I just got out my NIV and read Romans 1 which, to me is the clearest:

24Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

I wouldn't qualify "shameful lusts", "indecent acts", and "perversion" as acts of righteousness. I would definitely call these acts of sin. And so the chapter goes on to say along with other acts including gossip, greed, faithlessness, inventing evil and disobeying parents to name a few. I don't agree with Christians who ostracize homosexuals and then go gossip about them. You know? There'a whole list and I think all of us fall under some of it. We all need to admit our faults and recognize our own need of God's unconditional love and overwhelming grace. We all need it - not some more than others.

So how does this play out? I believe God created the world with boundaries and limits. So, what are the limits of friendship and truth? Like anything else in life, it's a fine balance.

I believe you should offer true friendship (read "unconditional love") to anyone who needs it whenever you can as prompted by the Holy Spirit. Those without the Spirit's guidance are pretty much just screwed, I'm afraid.

I also believe that you should stand up for truth (read "righteousness") whenever challenged.

A few weeks ago a 15-year-old girl that was gang-raped after her homecoming dance. No one did anything to stop it. Maybe they had a misguided sense of friendship and "acceptance". "I wouldn't want to tell them that they are wrong and then have them mad at me." No one stood up for what was right. 20 people stood by while several guys raped a drunk girl who couldn't defend herself. I'd say that was a definite challenge that went unanswered.

I'm not saying that we need to be "in your face" conservatives. I'm not saying we should love people to make them happy. I'm saying we should be vessels of God's love to people. The blessing to them is a side-effect, but the purpose is to glorify our Creator. Only He knows what's best for them. Only He has the power to transform them.

Look Where You're Going

Apparently, I'm a very distracted person. Most of the time I have a hard time concentrating on what I'm doing. That causes problems. A while back, I went through a period of actually tripping and falling to the ground in public for the simple reason that I wasn't paying attention to where and how placed my feet. I think I've surpassed that now. I haven't actually fallen in a while.

The conclusion I've come to is that I have so many thoughts, ideas, facts, possibilities and even trivia swirling in my head that I don't have any attention left for what is right in front of my eyes. I actually don't see things that are quite evident to others. Looking back through my life, this isn't something new, but it has been building through the years. I didn't realize that it wasn't normal until I was describing to someone and they asked me how I could live with so many thoughts constantly racing through my head.

It is weird to write about how odd I am, but it comforts me to finally be able to identify the specifics and then accept them. Maybe, once identified, I can do something about them or get them to work for me.

I've kept really busy lately, both mentally and actually "doing" things. It's kind of nice to keep going from one thing to the next, not dwelling on or committing to any one thing, but it's not very fulfilling. It's like eating carbs - I'm soon hungry for more.

I love thinking about possibilities, but sometimes I just dwell on impossibilities. Being busy distracts me for a bit, but in the meantime the thoughts just get more and more cluttered. The only way for me to actually deal with that clutter is to think and write. It sounds so simple, but truly it takes effort for me to take one thought at a time and deal with it. It's so much easier to interact with those around or watch a movie, read a book or knit. It's almost as if I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts, but that's the only way to free up my mind for what God wants to put there.

So what's my point?

Um, I need to take more time for reflection and just let the world pass me by, if necessary. Stopping and reflecting allows me to see my path more clearly. It gives me time with the lover of my soul so that I get to know him better which leads me to trust him more. It builds my confidence in his sovereignty and faithfulness because I see where I've been and how he's provided every step of the way. The more I interact with him, the more I realize that I am different on purpose. That there isn't something "wrong" with me, but that I was designed this specific way for a reason.

Pretense

I once read a friend’s note that started off “I seem to be in a weird mood lately” and that phrase has stuck in my mind. For the last couple of weeks, if I stop and reflect, it seems to apply to me. So,

I seem to be in a weird mood lately. I seem to be pulled in so many different ways. I’m weary without really having done anything. Mentally, I seriously wonder about my health. So, I began seeing a counselor a couple of weeks ago. It’s been nice to have someone to talk to, someone who’s sole purpose for that hour is to listen to me. I’m not really one to demand attention or share my private things with people. Yes, that’s become a problem, apparently.

I’ve learned quite a bit about myself lately:
1. I tend to apply things from movies to my life, rather than from the Bible. (I didn’t find this out in counseling. It just came to mind first.)
2. I tend to be unnecessarily hard on myself, holding myself up to an unrealistic standard only to fail. It can be very discouraging.
3. I’m really good at pretending around people, imitating them to blend in and please them. And because of that…
4. I don’t really know who I am. I don’t know what I want from life, from relationships, from myself. I’m lost.
5. I like to please people because I think that will make them like me.
6. I scorn things that I struggle with myself.
7. I’m not really sure what I’m good at. (forgive the grammar)
8. I was raised to go against my natural tendencies of feeling, being a creative free spirit, daydreaming, dancing, etc.
9. I do not know what I am good at because I’ve always felt I need to fill in wherever I see a need.

When I was a little girl, I was much more physically active. I wanted to take ballet when I was 6, but the school shut down on my first day. Undeterred, I would put on music and dance around the living room to Fiddler on the Roof and Sound of Music. Yet, I never really “learned” to dance and I would die before doing it in public. I remember my dad quoting someone one time, “Dancing is a socially accepted way to make a fool of yourself.” Being foolish was unacceptable in my family.

We had a swing set in the backyard. Sometimes I would swing on it lost in my thoughts, but more often I would jump up and swing from my arms imitating gymnasts I’d seen somewhere. No, I never actually swung over the bar, but I pretended I had. I pretended a lot of things.

I still pretend. I pretend things don’t affect me as much as they do. To fit in, I pretend I care about appearances when a cursory look at me would show evidence to the contrary. I pretend to care about my job when all I really want to do is daydream and reflect on life and ideas floating through my mind. I pretend to know what’s going on in the world. I pretend to like people who are actually selfish and harmful.

The truth is I’m running out of pretense… and it’s scary.

I don't want to tweet

Today during a webinar at work, I was informed that I must join as many social networks as possible to keep up with what's going on or be left in the dust. In fact, the presenter (salesman) commanded us to join Twitter and follow him. If Christ's ministry were present-day, would that line replace "pick up your cross and follow me"?

Even as I consider such a possibility, I sigh wishing for simpler times. Our planet might not be taken over by robots, but mass communication sure has taken it's hold. Is that a sign of the apocalypse?

I admit that I use internet social networking. By that means I'm able to keep in touch with friends and family all over the world. How cool is that? Before when people moved across the globe they were rarely heard from again. And it wasn't even that long ago. I didn't even have an email address until I was a college freshman. Leaving Chile after high school was traumatic because I didn't know when and if I'd get to see my lifelong friends again. Today, we've found each other through facebook. Even people I've barely met are my friends on facebook. In fact, the only registered follower of this blog is someone I've spent less than a day with.

It's interesting how humans connect. We seek connections everywhere: at work, at play, at school, church, bars, dance clubs, etc. And yet, I don't see society becoming more connected. Oh, I see them buying the latest technology to "stay connected", updating profiles on numerous sites to keep everyone updated on their lives. I was entertained a while back when I removed my "single" status to see the deluge of inquiries from friends and acquaintances. They were all disappointed to find out I only removed it because I was tired of getting personal ads.

The irony I find is that all those applications that are supposed to make our lives easier and more convenient don't really make our lives any better. Many times those sites are just another platform for gossipy interactions. I find many times I need to "not" check up on my friends because my motives aren't pure. Many times it's just not edifying. As a friend confessed to me, "Sometimes I get so down on myself because I see all these cool things everyone else is doing, how many more friends they have or that their comments are always wittier than mine, even that their silly quiz scores are better than mine. How silly!" And yet, we all fall into those thoughts. I can hear King Solomon say, "It's all vanity!"

So, I've determined to facebook less. At first, I considered to fast and just not update my status, photos, etc. I tend to be extremist in my initial reactions. Then, I bumped into a long-lost relative at a recent wedding. She told me how much she enjoyed "keeping up" with what I was doing through my pictures and status updates. Hm... Well, I do enjoy keeping up with others, too!

I guess the problems come when I seek validation through the virtual interactions. They can never replace the intimacy, messiness, and growth you get from real-life relationships. One shouldn't seek to replace the other.

And since I've got all I can handle right now, I refuse to tweet.

What's a girl to do?

I really don’t mind being single. Ok, sometimes I do, but it seems to me that sometimes, many times, my single state bothers those around me more than it bothers me. Christians, especially those to whom I am related, seem to be in such a muddle about what to do with Christian singles, especially with the ladies, like my sister and me.

We went to a cousin’s wedding this weekend. What a joy to celebrate the couple’s covenant of marriage. And we got to catch up with family who we might get to see but once a year. My aunt’s first words, once she was done rushing around and joined our table at the reception, were “Girls, I have someone you need to meet. He could work for either one.” Here we are supposed to act bashful, yet inquisitive, I guess. I’m still figuring out a proper response for such conversations as they become more and more common. Apparently, my knee-jerk reaction comments are not appropriate (I am learning to control them). And I have to admit to a bit of curiosity at the mention of an eligible young man. Heh. Ok, let the games begin.

“On what grounds was he recommended?”

My sister inquired, “Is he Mexican and does his name start with an E? If so, Erin can have him.” (She’s not racist, she’s just had two strikes against those qualifications.)

My aunt, puzzled, “He is from Mexico so you have Spanish in common. I don’t remember his name. It’s kind of complicated.”

My sister-in-law stood up for me, “Why should Erin be left with Sarah’s cast-offs?”

My aunt, trying to help her cause, “Oh, we considered him for your cousin, but there was no interest on either side.”

Mom: “In Chile they would say there’s no “feeling”.

Me: “So he’s twice cast-off. Is he good-looking, at least?”

My brother: “I thought so.” We all whirled toward him.

Sister-in-law: “How would you know?”

My brother: “I met him earlier. We spoke Spanish.”

The conversation degraded from there, though my mom and aunt were sure to point him out the rest of the afternoon. Thankfully, neither insisted on taking us over to meet him. However, it felt just like a scene out of Pride and Prejudice where the mums are pointing out the good qualities to the daughters as the eligible bachelors walk by.

This was when my sister’s brilliance came through to save us. “There is no reason to keep pointing him out to us unless you intend for us to approach him. You’ve taught us to be righteous women who don’t chase after boys and now you urge us to initiate something with a stranger?”

“Well, no.”

“Well, telling us about someone is pretty useless. If you think we’d make a good match, tell him. Why should we get our hopes up if he’s not even shown enough interest to come over and introduce himself?”

In the end, I did meet him without my family's help. We exchanged a few words in Spanish about the silly dancing and that was it.

Apparently, there was no “feeling”.

All from a game of Taboo...

During a recent game of Taboo, a “friend” used the following as a clue: “Erin’s outlook on life”. The word was “negative” and not only did my teammates (yes, plural) guess it correctly, I had only met them a few hours previously. Now that gives a girl something to think about.

I don’t want to be considered negative. I much prefer the label of “cynical-idealist”, though I avoid labels as a general rule. I’ve been called everything from dreamer to negative. Yes, that is quite a range – which explains the oxymoron of my preferred “label”.

I admit that I have a cynical outlook on life which I’d like to fool myself is actually a realistic point of view. Simultaneously, way deep down, I cling to hope and the possibility that I may be wrong this time and everything will turn out as it should. I only share that side when I feel REALLY comfortable and safe or just compelled to be that vulnerable. It can be a very soft, gooey center when I let loose and most are just bewildered when it seeps through. Since that fateful game of Taboo, I’ve become quite convicted on my crusty, cynical outlook. Mentally, I’ve tried to justify it with the whole idealist side – hope and possibilities are good, right? But, it’s not working.

Then, several days ago, I read this by Oswald Chambers: “Jesus Christ never trusted human nature, yet He was never cynical, never suspicious, because He trusted absolutely in what He could do for human nature.”

So, cynicism is not reality. It is a lack of faith?? Ouch! I do want my attitude to be that of Christ. This is going to be tough.

Can I handle my idealism without the protection of a cynical cover? The hope and possibilities are limitless when they are based on the power of the Holy Spirit. This is also known as faith.

Can I let go of my bitter cynicism and see God’s Spirit at work in people, instead? That would shake my whole outlook. It would change how I pray. It would change how I consider people. It would change how I joke.

But, that will change my personality, won’t it? I’m afraid I’ll lose part of my identity.
Isn’t that the point of being renewed?

Ok, but must I give up my wit, too? I do like my wit. Can’t I still appreciate the ironies of life once I let go of the bitter cynicism?

Hmm… While I figure that one out, I’ll just be distrustful of man and ever hopeful in the power of God to change lives.

Settling Down

I see friends all around me “settling down”, getting married, having kids, getting pets, purchasing homes and I have two reactions: “Aw, good for them!” and “Ick!” Both reactions are very sincerely felt. I do rejoice with them that they have found the love of their life, expressed that love by having kids and fulfilled their dream of having a place to raise that family. My “ick” reaction is when I consider such a path for myself.

Don’t get me wrong! After all, when I visit them it’s good to have a comfortable place to stay and kids to play with and spoil. :)

I believe the things listed above to be good things, but I’m either not ready for them or something because I don’t actually desire them for myself. My married friends think me weird and tell me it will pass. “Once the right person comes along, you’ll forget you ever thought this way.” Regardless of the “right person coming along”, I have to admit that the idea of settling down into a comfortable life takes my breath away; in fact, I almost literally go into a panic attack. I don’t think I’m meant for such a mindless life of comfort. Whenever I reach a point of comfort, I get bored. I lose sight of Christ and instead fill my time with vanities that sap my life-blood. While I know many people seek to go through life numbed in order to avoid sorrow, pain and discomfort (some people call it the "American Dream"), I’ve learned that is no way to live.

No matter how much you insulate yourself from reality, the world still exists. The world is in need. I’ve a commission to fulfill. I’m only one, and the task is intimidating, to say the least. But, I’ve caught desperate glimpses of the alternative and it’s not even an option.

My God is big. I refuse to settle. Maybe others will, too.

Decision 3

Television will have a non-existent role in my life.

I have been realizing just how evil television is and what a waste of time! A couple of weeks ago, once the seasons of my two shows (Chuck and The Office) were over, I decided to take an temporary break from watching television and it’s been great! I don’t know if I’ll go back.

I know many will see this decision as a legalistic one. Others may consider my actions as judgment of their own lives. However, my decision was born inside myself from a personal desire to live a great life; one that is more active, one that is characterized by emotional growth, physical development, and mental stimulation. I don’t see investing time in television as a step closer to my goals.

A friend invited me over for supper (dinner) a few days ago. It was a momentous event for two reasons: 1. I hadn’t been over in quite some time; 2. she doesn’t like to cook, even though what she makes is always good. The television was on when I arrived. It was some “telenovela” with a couple actors I recognized. The couple hours I was there, the novela took precedence over our conversation. I decided to be amused rather than offended. It’s entertaining - and, yes, sad - to see a grown adult who can’t keep focus away from the signal projected on a box.

I wonder what the reaction would have been if I'd pulled out my book to read?

Decision 2

I do not enjoy my job. Besides the frustration of trying to move the company forward in the direction they “say” they want to go, but aren’t willing to back that up with action; I feel pretty trapped by it because I’m stuck at a cubicle all day and it takes so much time out of my day. I realize that I could find something else, but at this point I don’t really know what I would “like” to do, so why skip around from job to job until I figure that out. And in spite of it all, my boss is really great and I do need to earn a paycheck.

This week I began to get up at 5:00 AM, two hours before I need to be at work. Sometimes it’s killer, but I realized that once I’m up, I enjoy the quiet before everyone else is up. In that time I exercise, shower, dress, read scripture or go over memory verses. Then, I grab my stuff and go to work. I have to tell you, these past few days haven’t been so bad.

I feel better for several reasons. One is, of course, the exercise. Unless you’re overexerting yourself exercise is always a good idea and great way to feel better. Go endorphins! :) Second, I hate rushing. So, when I take my time and make sure I have my lunch and plenty of time to get to work, my mood is better and I don’t stress about the traffic. Besides, I usually have time to stop by Starbucks. YUM!

However, the main reason for having better days is that work is no longer what gets me out of bed. I don’t have to get up. I choose to get up. I choose to exercise. I choose to read. I choose what to wear… though, I still look longingly at my jeans as I get dressed. And then it’s time to get to the office. Such a shift in perspective really improves my attitude about the whole thing. (In psychology, it’s called an internal locus of control.)

I still need to figure out something that will feed my soul and my belly…hm… Can you get paid for rambling thoughts?

Decision 1

I quit my aerobics class. Yes, it was good for me. Yes, I met new people. Yes, it was convenient that it was at work. Yes, it was a really good deal. Bla-bla-bla... I dreaded it. In fact, I’ve decided I hate aerobics classes and will never take one again.

“But, you really do need to work out.”

Be active, yes, but why must it be work? Why must it be something I don’t enjoy? Did God really intend for us to maintain our bodies with torture?

Granted, I’m far from understanding God’s mind, but it seems incongruous to me that the Creator of flowers, butterflies, and chocolate would then require that we “institutionalize” our bodies so they function properly. It’s not as if we’re cars that require scheduled maintenance. I guess some people do require the scheduled part. It’s just in them to compartmentalize everything in life. I prefer a holistic approach. After all, everything is interwoven, right? I want to have fun and I don’t believe that play is only for children (took me a long time to learn that).

Our bodies were made for movement, but repetitions and sets? I’ve broken free from those and my body is no longer in pain. Instead, it feels more and more alive. My muscles are waking up and primed to be used in some fun activity. This doesn’t mean that I don’t push myself. I have begun to run – ok, it’s really jogging for 5 minutes, but I do go a little further each time. I’m inspired by Eric Liddell, “I believe that God made me for a purpose… but he also made me fast, and when I run, I feel His pleasure.”

I’m not fast - don't know if I ever will be, but I want to run and feel God’s pleasure! Looking for opportunities to be active is like looking for opportunities to show someone Christ’s love. In both, I fulfill my purpose and glorify my Father.

It's sobering to realize you're not as great as you think. Everyone has hang-ups, but you get along pretty well through life. And then, one day out of the blue, you come face-to-face with a major flaw (or flaws) that you had never seen before. What?!? Do I have to fix this, too?? Once again I'm reminded of Romans 12:3 "Do not think of yourselves more highly than you ought, but rather, think of yourselves with sober judgment in accordance with the measure of grace given you."

What a thought. To think of yourself according to the measure of grace God gave you. If I see myself through God's grace, I think I would be overwhelmed by the love the Father has for me. And yet, I would not be blind to all the imperfections - those things that separate me from him - and I would hate them for it. How would I live, then? That question has become a mantra of sorts for me.

I'm not satisfied with my life as is. I'm not satisfied with who I still am. There's an unnamed yearning that seems to be pulling in all different directions and in utter confusion I just collapse. I am weeding out unnecessary things that rob my time, like television. Now, I have more time to read and pray and learn Lindy Hop. :)

And I'm reading some really good books!
Small Footprint, Big Handprint - basically simplify your life and make a big impact for Christ.
The Journey to Desire - living out your God-given desires in a Christ-centered life

What does it mean when you are attracted to someone who's sexual preference is under debate? Should it bother me? Apparently it does. Does it say something about me, my sexual preferences, or my tendency to want what I can't have?
Hm, probably the last one. Just another example of a hypothetical, yet impossible situation. I love hypotheticals. You can explore scenarios and possibilities without having to commit to anything.
I am a seriously disturbed person.