The only "lift" Ive had in this bleak, dark month was spending Labor Day weekend trip in Flagstaff. Somehow the excitement of the trip and getting away from everything was able to penetrate through the fog and I was able to function at a semi-normal capacity, at least, observing and going along if not actually interacting. My "mom" there has struggled with depression herself and she was able to encourage me from her own experience. She shared the Charles Spurgeon quote with me. I enjoyed a weekend of rest, reflection, and laughter. There was no negative talk or criticism or one-up-man-ship -- all the conversations were joyful, encouraging, teasing, and/or ridiculous which mostly ended in giggles. I was able to walk in nature, attend a demolition derby, pet animals, buy a bubble gun and ride a carrousel at the county fair, contra-dance until the room was spinning, etc. Anyway, those 2 1/2 days were only a brief bright spot and when I got back I fell even deeper into the nothingness.
Coming back to the city after being in such a restful place is always hard leaving behind great friends and the weekend excitement. This time it was compounded by my medication issues. By midweek I was completely drained and missed work the last two days. I finally got to see my doctor on Friday. He was actually surprised to hear that since taking the prescribed meds I'd gotten progressively worse, sinking deeper into a black hole which had previously only been a "lack of motivation". He gave me a new (more expensive) medication and said if the previous symptoms kept up to stop taking it and give him a call so he could refer me to a psychiatrist. He asked if I'd had any thoughts of hurting myself or contemplating suicide and gave me a suicide hotline number. I told him I hadn't. That would require an urge to do something and I hadn't felt any urges in weeks. Well, not any besides the basic ones like hunger, sleep, thirst, etc. I started the new med that night.
Saturday morning I awoke and smiled. My mind wasn't so foggy. I felt the urge to get up and I actually did. I woke Sarah and chatted her ear off until she threw me out of her room. I fluttered about the house with so much energy that after just 2 hours I crashed back to bed for the rest of the day. I wasn't ready to interact with people until Sunday afternoon at the church picnic. I really enjoyed seeing people I'd missed so much. I felt bad that everyone was so concerned, but explanations seemed too much to get into, and most wouldn't understand anyway. Once again, after a couple of hours, my body said it was time to go rest. Little by little, day by day...